Gifts

Last week was a tough week.  I felt somewhat lost in the doctor-searching-childbirth-method-searching process - not sure what I was looking for nor how to find it.  I went to yoga class in the midst of this, feeling tired, discouraged, and, like I said, a little lost.  Yoga was very quiet and peaceful - I almost fell asleep at least twice - and in the middle of the practice, our teacher had us take a rest in Child's Pose, a rest from the stretching and instruction.  As I rested in that pose, like a small frog with my head resting on a bolster, my arms stretched out in front of me, the teacher encouraged us to relax, to feel our bodies supported by the props, by the mat.  I felt warm tears well up in my eyes as I surrendered my body, as I let it be supported, and I imagined that my whole body, my whole spirit, my whole soul, my new baby were all supported in that moment by the hand of God.

A gift.

Later that week, I devised a plan and compiled a list of midwives that I would begin calling.  I would simply set up introductory meetings, ask questions, and start to see where that led.  But before calling midwives, I had one last friend to call to ask about her birth experience and her doctor. And this is where I began to receive one gift after the next, each moment feeling touched by grace, where I felt held, supported, led.

My friend had an excellent experience - a difficult labor, but an excellent and kind doctor,  one who respects women's wishes to labor as they desire.  I began a mad flurry of phone calls to line up insurance and doctor's offices and, with the help of my kind and knowledgeable HR benefits director, all of the insurance and bureaucratic pieces fell in to place, one right after the other.  Everyone I spoke with on the phone was kind and helpful.  And the more I mentioned this doctor's name to people I knew, the more confirmation I received.

I have found a new doctor, though I've not yet met him.  And while this means delivering in a hospital, I feel comfortable that if my doctor is someone I can trust, that we can work to make the hospital experience as positive as it can be.  A home birth would be the ideal, but I don't have the money for it and I'd be nervous about insurance coverage if I had to transfer to the hospital.

Ultimately, I feel relieved and for the first time, I feel excited and at ease about my pregnancy.  I finally feel like I can relax.

And I truly feel like this was a gift of grace and compassion.