This evening, as the sun was setting on a rather warm day, Haven, Zoe and I went for a walk around the neighborhood. It was a perfectly pleasant walk - light but not bright, warm but not hot, easy but not slow. I've been nursing the dull end (hopefully) of a headache all day and it was nice to finally make our way outside for some air and leg stretching. It was just enough.
This summer I came home from the contemplative retreat with a ceramic pinch pot called a beggar bowl. I can't quite as eloquently describe the purpose of the bowl as my friend Sarah can, but it has something to do with holding the emptiness of the bowl, as a beggar, and trusting that god will fill your bowl with just enough for the day. Since Haven's arrival, I've held this bowl often and usually my prayer, along the lines of Anne Lamott's please please please prayer, is something of a 'just enough.' When Haven was in the NICU, the just enough came in the form of being able to hold her, having a great nurse on duty, enjoying a night with relatively few alarms, or producing milk. Today, it came in the form of a pleasant walk. This past week, it was all the wonderful people who have watched Haven while I've been back at work.
Last week I was going to blog about my three day tension headache on the eve of my return back to work, but the headache went away and I did my best to let the tension rest. But as much as I try to keep my mind from it, I'm like a moth to the flame and seem rather consumed with trying to figure out what to do with my life, with our lives as a family. Sometimes, which is really all the time, I wish for clarity. And sometimes, which is often, I wish even for an inkling, just some hint of what to do, what I'm called to, what is calling me, what is the best decision. Even last spring, when I was trying to sort out the midwife/doctor/homebirth/hospitalbirth questions, I had a sense that I knew what I wanted, that I just needed to listen. But, for some reason, I don't have that sense now - I feel blocked, or as if there is nothing to hear for all of the straining I may do.
And so the bowl. I think it is time to hold my beggar bowl once again and ask for just enough. And if you are of the bowl holding persuasion, or are a praying type, maybe you too could ask for just enough on my behalf. Or some clarity. Or even a faint whisper in my ear.
Haven is awake.
2 comments:
have you ever considered that what you're doing right now is exactly what you're supposed to be doing? that perhaps you're already on the right track?
it's like that saying "life happens when you're busy making plans"
maybe...you're just where you need to be.
and that whisper in the ear you're looking for, well that's Haven healthy yell to tell you she's awake and ready to play. :)
"where ever you go, there you are" i think no matter where we get, we are always asking these questions... all of us. i hope you find out how to live your questions well... (reading rilke never hurts!) my question right now is should i take a lavender bath or and orange spice bath? i think i'll go for lavender. kiss haven for me. xo.
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